Single? Alone? What You Need to Do Now:
I get it, no one likes to be alone. Most people, unless they are still torn up and wounded over a previous relationship want to be in a relationship. We are wired for partnership, family, community. Its another survival instinct, to “be with”. No wonder being alone brings up all kinds of fears and shadows, things we don’t really want to face. If we look at those dark shadowy places with illuminated eyes though, we are better equipped to be more whole partners the next time around. The best part about coming out of a relationship and taking time to be alone is getting clear about what you really need in the next relationship.
When I mean taking time to be alone, I mean really alone. No attraction-distractions, flirtations, quick hook ups, ego boosts and so on…. The only reason why I’m suggesting such hard-core isolation is that if you are like most singles, consumed with thoughts that cause our energy to trail out like octopus arms to every member of the opposite sex who are potential candidates, you are not leaving much room for your inner growth. Those insignificant connections are intense time and energy suckers and you need to ready yourself for the real deal.
So you are alone. No distractions. Then what? First off, do not freak out. Your are not going to die. You are going to get strong. You are going to get clear—emotionally and energetically. And from this “extreme” alone-time you will develop new standards for what you will and will not accept and to create new boundaries for your new and improved next partnership. We always hear about writing the list of qualities you are seeking in a mate, as they key to manifesting “the one”. But, it is also fairly common knowledge that pretty much everyone throws that list out the window for strong attraction and chemistry. So I am here to promote something else. This is one of the frequently over looked aspects of the “in-between” relationships phase, is giving yourself the unobstructed time to fully explore what you really want—and need in the next relationship. Consider this, dont just ask yourself if your personalities align and compliment each other— but do your lives align? Do your desires and goals align? Does the trajectory of your life align with theirs?
As an example...Here are some things I came up with during my alone and somewhat lonely time:
I will not accept being blamed for financial issues or made to feel guilty over my purchases
I will likely never meld my finances ever again (financial freedom is freaking amazing!!)
I want my dreams and goals to be encouraged and supported
I will not be held back from living life to my fullest potential, I will not be kept small (if I have the balls to keep moving forward I deserve a partner who can walk forward with me)
I won’t be held responsible for my partners happiness—but I will be a key part of creating positive, loving support in my partners life (I have no desire to be anyone’s EVERYTHING, in fact that is the last thing I want)
I will not become immune (or convince myself I am immune) to my partners negativity (as resilient as I am, this manifests as health issues triggered by stress)
I will do my best to keep the energy in the relationship alive and vibrant
I will not take my partner for granted
To the best of my ability I will not get bored and allow the relationship to become stagnant
I will choose a partner with self-love, emotional maturity, capacity for intimacy and someone with shared passions and interests to keep ignited in the relationship.
I will choose someone who values change and growth as much as I
coming out of relationships we tend to focus on the “I wont ever do this again” list… but also look at what things your relationship was missing that could have propelled you forward. Look at the good parts of your last relationship that you want to have in your next (even if it makes you sad). Take this time to get clear, get energized, get happy and know you are one step closer to finding your 'needle in the haystack'.